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Writings
Stuff I've been inspired to write:
Everday I wake up, and everday I look in the mirror, and everyday I see the person looking back at me and I wish she would just go away. I see tears falling from her eyes slowly caressing her cheek, only to fall to the floor of reality later. Hey eyes that one sparkeled so bright are now dull and full of hate. I just want to pick up my leather desk chair and throw it at her. I can imagine the sound of the glass shattering, the cracks would slowly work their way to the outer edge, and suddenly she would just be gone. Everday I have to hold back my anger and supress it into the deepest parts of my immortal soul. The hate vibrates through my veins, and I clench my jaw so tight that my teeth seem to bend outward, and my eyes are squinted so tight that I can't even begin to open them. Sometimes I don't feel anything at all. Sometimes I'm so numb to everything that it's almost like I'm not there. I'm on the ceiling looking down at my former self frowing. How sad is it that I can't even impress myself? She's staring back at me again with those beautiful brown eyes. Her lower lip is slightly quivering, but I don't know why. She hates herself. I don't know how I know, but I just do. Her right hand moves over to her left shirt sleeve and she begins to carefully touch her skin. There are cuts and cuts and cuts all over her arm, and the look of dissapointment in her face is so enourmous that you could bottle it up and save it for a rainy day. She's jaded, angry, cruel, and bitter, but all she wants is to be loved in spite of that.
-I wrote this sometime last year
Out of my mind
I envision myself standing in the middle of a crowded room.
I bite my lower lip as I try hard not to cry.
My breaths become rhythmic and steady.
I can't control my movements because I'm losing it.
I can't hold the world on my shoulders any longer.
I'm not built to be that strong.
Sometimes I may look like I stand tall,
But it's all just pretend.
Every time I fake a smile I can see you watching me.
It seems as if I can fool everyone but you.
Don't look at me that way with judgement.
And you wonder why I feel this way.
Sometimes I can bear the load.
Today is not one of those sometimes.
Do you know what this is like?
Do you feel torn between two worlds that you can't control?
Maybe I'm just crazy, but it's ok.
I can keep on pretending and fooling you.
So far it has worked, so why stop now.
I guess I'm just out of my mind.
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I can feel a smile come accross my face.
It's a wonder you're in my life.
I've always dreamt of somthing like this.
I knew you would come through sometime.
I just want to cry because I'm so happy.
I get butterflies everytime I see you.
Your sweet, tender kiss takes my breath away.
Your gentle touch makes me inhale a little more deeply.
The deep blue color of your eyes expresses your feelings.
How your words flow so subtly, leaves me in amazement.
What did I do to deserve someone like you?
You've turned my world around.
You're my everything.
There's nothing left to fill my life.
Kissing you through that fence is something I won't forget.
The sun was just starting to lower itself.
For at that moment I knew...
All my dreams had already come true, and there was nothing left to dream.
I'm afraid of the piercing pain inflicted by bright silver objects.
I remember the tears I've cried.
My voice is weak and unheard.
I know I shouldn't be so pessimistic.
I have never known what it's like to hear the words of a true friend.
Real love is not true and those who think it is are just tricking themselves into believeing something fake.
I don't think things will really change the world.
I'm sickened by people who lie.
Wouldn't it be great if things were perfect.
I shiver when I hear screams.
I still feel that the world is hateful.
People my age don't really know me.
Adults think I'm the perfect child.
Inside I'm screaming. Outside I'm calm.
Feelings
Your ideals mean nothing.
Your values are a joke.
Don't talk to me!
Take your god d*m bullsh*t the f*ck away from me!
Pulling my hair out
Face turning red
Crowded, flustered, angry
Use the blade to trace the trails of your disdain.
Overrated, inconsiderate, selfish
That's all you've shown me.
That's all you'll ever be.
I'm done.
The towel's been thrown in.
Last round, I don't need this, I refuse.
Pick up your own a*s, and leave me alone!
Screaming out loud
Crying, face turning red
Gasping, for an air that's invisible.
Crowded, flustered, angry
Alive in a lifeless body
No movement, no hope, no love
Struck in a moment of copious rage.
How would you feel if everything was a disappointment?
F*ck you! Leave me alone!
I've had enough judgement for one day
Pressure pushing down on me
Constant repression of inner emotions
Inner emotions I can no longer control
Shoulders and head to heavy to carry
Don't pretend like you know me.
Like you understand
Like everything I'm feeling is infinitesimal.
Take your own bullsh*t and pick up your own ass.
I'm not going to be your savior anymore.
I'm not perfect, I'm not happy, I'm not free
So just get away!
Face turning red
Crowded, flustered, angry, jaded, and frustrated.
Bursting on the inside
Screaming so loud
Outside greets you with a calm, happy smile
Contradictory? It's nothing new.
You don't know me.
You'll never know me.
So deal with it because it's not my problem.
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